Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Happy Tuesday!

I have been dealing with quite a bit lately. A teething boy, a hubby sick with bronchitis, and keeping fit. I feel like I am cheating myself because I haven't been able to exercise lately . I have been way too tired. This no sleep, lack of sleep, wish I had sleep stuff is just taking all I have out of me. And although I am sick myself, I hide it well. Concealer is a beautiful thing and I have to be up and moving. I have way too much to do around the house. I hate that my mind never thinks it is clean enough. My mind is OCD in that my house never seems clean enough. I don't know if it is the fact that we have that ant problem or the fact that I can not get my carpet clean thanks to the last people letting their pets use it as a litter box. I don't know if this obsession is from when I was growing up and my mom just gave up on cleaning because we would just mess it up again and she worked. So the house was always messy. 

I am trying to figure out my worry. My husband says the house looks fine but I don't feel that way. In every home I have lived I have never felt my home has been good enough and have major insecurities over this. I blame someone in my life for part of this, I had an aha moment yesterday. Someone spent the holidays here and took it upon themself without permission to clean my home as if it were dreadfully nasty.this person whenever they were over does this,comments on my taste in art,paint,and tells me how to care for MY stuff. Which left me feeling like poo, like I was not good enough and therefore my home isn't either.Every home has been under furnished and cluttered. Clutter that I try to throw away but it always comes back.I try to organize but can not as there is no space. I am going to watch Hoarders, maybe that will help me feel better and help me throw stuff away. And the other issue is money, if we had it we could get all the carpets replaced, the kitchen redone, the walls all painted, the bathrooms the way I wanted. I want my home to be my dream home, not my dungeon. Which it feels that way because no matter what I do, the inside needs fixing and no matter how much I scrub it, it can not hide broken. 
I wish I could wave a wand and it would be fixed, but that is just silly. 

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